The Office Toilet Chronicles

A typical workplace has more bums than toilet-seats (logical really, as the odds of us all going at the same time are pretty bleak). Having had the privilege of sitting at an office cabin diagonally opposite the toilet corridor, I have been building up on my trivia on shared office toilets. For example, I can tell you men are remarkably faster at their business than the fairer sex, and people are creatures of habit and tend to go around the same time each day and to the same cubicle. I also have more disturbing trivia on people who seem to have the most efficient bladders, and a mental list of ladies who are more likely to leave a stench after their job is done in the 'Ladies' loo.

But the office loo is more than just a ‘dumping ground’. It can also be seen as a social meet-and-greet area where the façade of formality is far less ridged than any other corporate corner of the building. I wouldn’t know about the chitchat at the men’s room, but I gather it would be similar to us ladies. We exchange social niceties, get to know colleagues from different departments, share beauty tips by the shared mirror and catch up on office gossip. Interestingly, the topic rarely comes close to the real purpose of the visit, to take a dump!

The office loo has its own set of etiquettes that may not apply in the privacy of your home or even in other public loos where people are less likely to know you. Here you are seated in close-fitted cubicles right next to people you work with, people with whom you share a more formal relation and not fart jokes. Rude noises can be traumatizing. I remember being on the bog once in the cubicle right next to a lady who seemed to be having a challenging bowel day. It started off as a wee whimper and gradually grew into provocating grunts of magnanimous proportions. This must have lasted for a good twenty minutes and concluded with a very satisfied heave of relief. Curious sneaky person that I am, I sat patiently through the whole saga to get a glimpse of who this victorious poopster was. Horror of horrors it turned out to be my boss! I have since adopted the ‘hose etiquette’ and let the squirts of water drown any rude noises my bowels might be planning.

In most Muslim countries we have access to water to clean up after a dump. This stems from the Islamic principles of hygiene. In all UAE cubicles and homes you will find a hose of running water to clean up properly before you wipe off. There is an interesting story I read once about a Muslim man in the States where most people just wipe and walk out. He used to carry a bottle of water into the loo every time he went, and one day he got asked by a local guy why he did it. He explained that it was an Islamic principle of hygiene, and gave the example that if you were to touch shit with your hands you wouldn’t just wipe it off. A light bulb went off in the American’s head and he actually converted to Islam!

Coming back to my office toilets, I am also very suspicious of people who rush out of the cubicle and forget to clean up with good old soap and water. Hand sanitizers should be mandatory in all office desks given the number of hands we shake every day!

Then there’s the other extreme – the clean freaks. I know quite a few girls who defy gravity by balancing their torsos over the bog least an evil germ pops out of the toilet seat and attacks! There are others who coat the toilet seat with layers of toilet paper, no worries since they aren’t paying for it. I have to admit I have a special karate maneuver which allows me to flush the loo with one efficient kick.

And have you ever tried to get to the sink after lunch? I’ve worked for a few places in the UAE now, and everywhere I go I see Pilipino ladies furiously brushing their teeth after lunch. Great dental care I’d say, and it’s rather cute how communal this brushing and spitting routine can be.

 Luckily for us, our office toilets tend to be very clean and tidy and our cleaner does a great job. The only awkward thing is our cleaner is of the opposite gender, and I have been caught many times in the loo with him calling out to check if anyone is inside before he does a sweep. Kind of awkward shouting out “Yes I’m in the toilet” at work!

But it turns out there’s someone else in our office toilet. A year or so ago, our receptionist was getting ready for her lunch break and planned to meet her workmate at the loo (social arena I tell you!). She went in to find the last cubicle occupied, and assuming it was her friend she got on to caking her face by the mirror. “You got here early” she asked, and a quiet “Hmmm” from the occupied cubicle answered her. She heard the toilet flush, and waited. She waited some more. Then she called out again to the girl in the loo but got no response. She went to check. The locked cubicle came open, and no one as inside. Our receptionist went pale. There was no one there, no one she could see anyway. This is why the last cubicle in our office toilet is the cleanest. Yesterday I walked into the office toilet to find a girl by the mirror conversing with her friend, the receptionist. The receptionist was sitting in the first cubicle, pants down, on the bog… door open. Now that is a scary sight!

- Big Sis.